Of Mice and Magic
by Dark Satanic Mills
Summary: "So you have a brilliant plan to get Albie into bed, except he's probably straight, and even if you get him there you won't know what to do with him?" When a sexy/desperate Slytherin comes to a painting asking for help, what's a girl to do? AS/S slash
1. A Flawed Plan

**I fell in love with Albus/Scorpius after reading a few (ok, hundreds) fabulous fics, but it took me a holiday in Brittany to have the time to do something about it. I have a feeling they'll overtake Klaine from Glee as my major ship. The name mashup thing doesn't really work though: Albius? Scorpus? Malter? Pottoy? **

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><p><span>A Flawed Plan<span>

Whose sick idea of a joke was it to hang me, a lady of calibre and, most of the time, taste, in the Slytherin bloody boys' dormitory?

Ok, I'll admit on paper it sounds good. There are two ways you can say these words: 'hormonal teenage boys' in a serious, disapproving tone, or a more, ahem, breathy way. '_Hormonal teenage boys_'. Unfortunately, these were the former. Maybe Minnie thought I'd enjoy it. Maybe it was just revenge for calling the most formidable head Hogwarts has ever had 'Minnie'. Either way, if I heard one more conversation about boobs I was going to kill myself. Metaphorically. On account of having been dead for a century.

I'd been here a week and I'd already heard quidditch discussed in more detail than I thought either possible or healthy. I was hopeful for the first couple of days – after all, I'm a red blooded young woman! I was only 19 when I was painted, even if strictly speaking I'm over 100. It's a weird feeling, actually – I have all the memories of my 28 year old self, the age I was when I died, but my soul will forever be 19. They say that you remain forever at the age when your soul was purest – apparently not the usual meaning of 'pure', in my case (if I could snigger in an internal monologue, I would now). Anyway, I think it's perfectly reasonable to expect, in the bedroom of six sixteen year old boys, to see something worth watching – anything to break the monotony, right? They're sixteen; they should be fit, muscled, prone to spontaneously taking their tops off! These lot were goofy, shy and decidedly boring.

There was one kid who was different, and I'll swear I saw it from the beginning. He was tall, with a pale, thin face and hair so blonde it was almost white. It wasn't just the fact that he was bloody gorgeous and absolutely fuckable in every way, with a sort of inherent arrogance that was oh so sexy... I'm going off on a tangent. It wasn't just those things. Ok, it was mainly those things. But he also never got dragged into stupid conversations about quidditch or girls. He'd just laugh and make a snarky comment, and the dumb adolescent conversations about who'd had their hands on which balls (the Slytherins were _brilliant_ for making up innuendos about...) carried on babbling around him.

I first found out his name from his best friend, a red-headed fireball of a girl who I loved immediately. Scorpius. I would have laughed, but the kid in the next bed was called Albus, and nothing seemed funny after I laughed until I cried over that beauty. He was sulking that the pictures had started taking the piss out of him, and I've hardly seen him since. He was friends with my (yes my) Scorpius, but he seemed to take affront after I started mouthing 'Albie' at him, and he spent most of his time in the common room. 3 days into my Slytherin tenure, Scorpius threw me a had a capital L. It was the Look that lesser looks dreamed of one day becoming. It was a Look that would have made lesser women weep. "Will you stop doing that? He's touchy about his name."

I sniggered and rolled my eyes. "Of course he is. Did his parents really not like him?"

He gave me another Look.

"Oh come on, I have to get my kicks somewhere! Do you have any idea how _boring_ you guys are?

His lips twitched.

"I mean for god's sake, I get put in a room full of horny teenage boys and I think my luck's in, and then I find out none of you are getting any!"

Scorp gave up under my onslaught of charm. "Not for lack of trying. Yesterday, Rob propositioned his third girl in two weeks. Needless to say, he's still single."

I snorted. Ok, not so ladylike, but it was funny! "Honey, have you seen him? I'm not sure even I'd want to watch that, and believe me, I'm as voyeuristic as they come."

Scorp snickered. "I second that. So not my type." He thought for a second. "Straight, for a start. And skinny, ew. And probably doesn't know which end his arse is."

I liked this kid. "What about the others? Anything I can look forward to?"

"Not from Jake, he lectured his last girlfriend half to death after a week." He paused for a moment. "If memory serves, she swore never to go within a hundred metres of him ever again in case she shrivelled up and died. She seemed to think that was a possibility. Then there's Alex, who tells everyone everything about his so-called sex life, although I suspect it's all fictional because I've never seen him with a date. Plus I talked to Rose – you know, crazy red hair, talks the arse off a donkey – and we think that some of the more graphic descriptions were anatomically impossible. For a start, he would have needed three hands for one of them. And a spare penis. Kyle, he's been with his girlfriend for two years and still hasn't got off the starting blocks, if you know what I mean. Actually, he's so far away from the starting blocks he's up in the metaphorical stands somewhere with a burger and a beer."

"Darling, don't insult me. Of course I know what you mean, my mind is deeper entrenched in the gutter than you ever want to know. So what about dear little Albie? Is he getting it on with some Hufflepuff harlot, or a gutsy Gryffindor?" I alliterate when excited. So sue me. "Er...Why are you smirking?"

"Because," he grinned seductively. I think my heart stopped for a second. "I intend to make sure he's getting _plenty_ with a certain Slytherin."

Now that sounded like a promise. "Why do I get the feeling you have a plan?"

"Because I do."

"So he's gay?"

Scorp winced. Ah. "And you don't think that's a slight flaw in your master plan?"

"He is, I'm sure he is. He's never been out with a girl, he doesn't even talk about girls. He's just too shy to admit it."

I raised an eyebrow before i could stop myself. "If you say so. And you, my little sexual predator, do you have a wealth of experience to back you up at crunch time?" He shifted uncomfortably. Ah-hah. "So, flaw number two. So you have a brilliant plan to get Albie into bed, except he's probably straight, and even if you get him there you won't know what to do with him."

I sighed. Scorp looked like a puppy who's just been kicked. Oh god, I'd just kicked a puppy. I was a horrible person. "I'm going to have to teach you, aren't I?"

He looked at me incredulously. "Sorry, but how old are you? Did they even have blowjobs in the 19th century?"

"Yes! Well, no. I would consider myself a pioneer in that field."

He snorted. "Are you seriously saying you invented the blowjob?"

"I never said invented! Just...developed."

Scorp shook his head. "I can't believe I'm discussing oral sex with a portrait who thinks she directly contributed to its development."

"I did!" Why is that so hard to believe?

He sniggered. "And who did you practise your world-changing skills on? Your faithful ministry husband?"

I stiffened immediately. "How do you know that? Have you researched me? Oh my god, are you stalking me?" I backed away from the front of the frame, eyes darting to the side. I could make a run for it, get away from my insane stalker, go and live in the mountains in a cave, feeding off rats and...erm...leaves. I was never the outdoorsy type. Can people eat leaves? Strictly speaking, I don't have to eat – what am I going to do, die twice? Stop getting distracted, focus, food...no, no, running away...

"It says on the frame. Grace West, wife of Alexander West, Muggle relations, Ministry of magic."

"Oh." I stopped planning my daring escape and sidled nonchalantly back into the middle of the picture. "I forgot about that. No, I practised on my lover. Moroccan pirate." Scorp looked kind of cynical. "Talented yet underappreciated artist?"

He shook his head. "Too clichéd. At least pick something original."

"Estonian male stripper?"

"Erm, way too original."

"Ugh, fine. I hung in the back of a classroom for 60 years. You overhear some of the conversations I have and you'll get a pretty graphic picture. I felt it was my duty to impart this knowledge unto others. This is a school, after all!"

Scorp grinned. "So you didn't actually help develop the modern blowjob?"

"Oh no, I did." I'm quite proud of this one. "You see, I got chatting to a _very_ inquisitive Ravenclaw girl in '52, I think it was, and I had one or two ideas I wanted to try out. She would have a go and report back. God I miss living vicariously through her, she was one of my best students. I've taught half of Hogwarts – oh, I taught Harry Potter's girlfriend! There you go, my claim to fame." I looked at him smugly, but he'd gone deathly pale. Seeing as he was already white as a sheet, he now looked like he'd gone white and then out the other side. "What?"

"Please say you're talking about Cho Chang?"

"Who's she? No, I'm on about the other one – red hair, Ginny-something, went out with most of the school, she was hilarious." Scorpius groaned and waved his arms about like he was trying to clear a cloud of bees. "Are you ok? You look like you're having a fit. Should I call a teacher? Or an exorcist?"

"Shurrup! That's Albus's _mum_...ew, that's disgusting!"

I was delighted – after all, she'd been a brilliant pupil. "Aw, wow! Tell him to pass on my love! Oh, come on, at least you know if he's anything like his mum he fucks like an _animal_! From what I heard, the Boy Who Lived wondered round with scratches down his back for half his sixth year..."

"Stop it there!" Aw, he'd gone red! He looked quite adorable.

"Oh dear, does this mean you don't want my teaching?"

"No!" he yelped, then blushed at his response. I was just trying not to giggle too obviously. "Um, please, I need help."

I widened my eyes innocently. "Help with what, my dear little virgin?"

"Shh!" he glanced around the empty room. "Will you teach how to... how to give a blowjob?"

"Oh honey, I'll teach you so much more than that." I was in teacher mode now, all business. "We'll start with hands."

He snorted. "Believe me, I've had plenty of practise at that!"

"I'm sure you have," I allowed myself one very un-teacherly smirk. "But I bet you a galleon there's a thing or two I could teach you. In fact, no, bet you a galleon you can't get dear little Albus into bed in, oh, say a month?"

His eyes narrowed. He's a Slytherin, they can never resist a challenge. "You're on, but you're a painting, surely you don't have any money!"

"Always so literal. Fine, the winner just gets the satisfaction of a job..." my smirk was stretched from ear to ear "...well done."

He grinned. "I'll sure as hell be satisfied."

"Get your mind out of the gutter, young man! I'm trying to teach you how to wank off your friend here!"

"Sorry, Professor," he grinned cheekily.

I'll give him this. He's a fast learner.

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><p><strong>The other Slytherin boys were all based on friends of mine, and my personal little revenge tastes ridiculously sweet.<strong>

**Please review, I really appreciate even a couple of words!**


	2. An Imperfect Scheme

**I've fallen in love with my own characters, is that normal? The brilliant thing about writing the second generation is you can make up their personalities from scratch. Grace is basically a mix of all the things I don't let myself say out loud. In fact, she's who I'd be if I'd lived in her era with her life...but that's a story to come!**

**Thanks to mrsjackturner, we're going for Scorbus! Also to animalluvr for being generally awesome, as always :)**

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><p><span>An Imperfect Scheme<span>

It only took me four hours and some quite inventive language to teach Scorp everything I knew. Now it was just a matter of getting Albie to the practical exam, so to speak.

I'd already decided I didn't want to win the bet. What would you rather have, a smug smile or the possibility of watching two relatively attractive (or fucking gorgeous, whichever way you want to say it) boys getting it on? Yeah, yeah, I'm a perv, bla bla bla. Truth is, beneath the refined swagger, Scorp was desperate. I watched him so closely for the next few days, noting everything he said to Albus, every friendly smile and unconscious movement. And I watched Albie in return. Scorp was confident, loud and arrogant, but around Albus he was gentler. They could talk quietly for hours, making each other laugh effortlessly, and every time Scorp coaxed a smile from the other boy he lit up. Contentment radiated from the two friends. It was so sweet I swear my teeth started rotting there and then.

Scorpius was determined to win this if only to finally get with his crush of just-about-forever, so I wasn't surprised when he begged Rose for help. I was more surprised, however, by how enthusiastically she was trying to get her cousin to shag her best friend. She paced the floor in front of us, throwing out ideas. "Veritaserum?"

Scorp groaned. "That's illegal, Rose. I'm not going to Azkhaban for this, however cute he is."

I hadn't thought of him as cute straight away, but his curling black hair and dark brown eyes had grown on me. I was trying to work out what Scorp saw in him when suddenly I understood – his eyes were warm, his smile came slowly but was reassuring and sweet.

"Erm, the Imperius curse?"

"Even more illegal!"

"What about a love potion?"

"Nope." I shook my head. "He has to be there of his own free will..."

"I've got it! We'll get him pissed!"

"...and _not_ inebriated!"

Rose winked at Scorp and mouthed 'marijuana'.

"...or stoned. He has to be sober, without the influence of any potion, drug, charm, spell..." I tried to think of all the loopholes. "And he can't be threatened. Or tied up." I saw their faces. "Not that you'd do that!"

"I just wish I knew if he was gay first," Scorp groaned. "What happens if I come on to him and he's straight?"

"That would be _hilarious_."

"So not helping, Rose."

"Well that's easy!" I chimed in. "Find the fittest, most experienced girl in the school..."

"That's me!" Rose grinned.

"...and get her to flirt with him."

"Oh. He's my cousin. Ew."

Scorp rolled his eyes. "Plenty of other slags in the sea, Rose." He ducked her slap with a practised air. "Who do we know who would help?"

I rubbed my hands together. "And this is where I step in. Half this school owes me a favour. The half who have ever had Transfiguration in room 312. Let me think... do you know Claire Donald? Gryffindor, sixth year, blonde, massive b..."

"Yeah, I have Herbology with her!"

"Ok, just tell her Grace needs a favour. I taught her everything she knows. Unless we want to go straight in and get a _guy_ to flirt with him, in which case can I recommend Callum Knight?"

"No! What if Callum starts flirting and Albus likes him, and then I lose him, and..."

"Ok!" I stopped him before we were stuck there for hours. "Claire it is. It's easy, just get her to _talk_ to him and we'll soon see how he reacts."

"No." Scorpius was shaking his head.

"Why?" I was getting exasperated. "It's the perfect bloody plan, and I'm helping even though _strictly_ speaking I'm betting against you."

"No, I have to see this for myself." We stared at him.

"...and how do you suggest turning yourself into a girl?" I inquired. "Just out of interest."

He grinned. It was evil, that grin, evil condensed into a row of white teeth. Small insects who came into contact with it died. "Ever heard of a little thing called polyjuice potion?"

"...please tell me you're not serious?" Rose had her head in her hands. "Where the hell are you going to get polyjuice potion from?"

"My dad'll get it for me."

We looked at him. Disbelief was etched in Rose's features, and I'm pretty sure mine looked the same. "Your dad..." I started. "...will smuggle you polyjuice potion...to help you seduce the son of his lifelong enemy..." I saw Scorp's face. "News travels. Anyway, is that your plan?"

"Well, I won't tell him what it's for. But yeah, pretty much. I'll go send him an owl!" He rushed out the room. I looked at Rose. Rose looked at me.

"Bloody genius, that one." Her tongue dripped with sarcasm.

"We're helping him. We must be insane. Why are you even helping? "

She shrugged. "Well, obviously I want them to be happy, et cetera et cetera. But mainly, outing Albus is the best challenge _ever_."

"He's gay then?"

"Oh, definitely. We have this family friend, Teddy – _gorgeous_, by the way – who basically lived with us when we were younger, he's like a brother. But this one time he and his mate were by the pool when we were all on holiday and, well, I've never seen Al's eyes pop so far out of his head as that day. He went red and started hyperventilating." She paused and grinned. "I don't think I'll tell Scorp that though. I can't wait to see how this goes wrong, there are _so_ many ways it could. It's going to be _brilliant_."

I was waiting at the planned time in the planned corridor, sharing the portrait with a group of ugly-as-fuck trolls. I don't think they'd even noticed I was there, and I'd been trying to herd them away from the frame for half an hour. It was early evening, so the corridors were almost empty. I could hear Rose's voice as she dragged her complaining cousin up the staircase.

"Come on, I just think we should walk this way..."

"Rose, our common room's in the _dungeons_. It's not a shortcut if it means going along the seventh floor..."

"Stop whining, I think I left my textbook up here somewhere."

"So get it in the morning!"

"I _said_ stop... oh, hi Claire!"

Sco...ahem, sorry, _Claire_, had just stepped out of an empty classroom. "Oh, hi Rose! _Hi_, Albus."

Oh, god, he was laying it on a bit thick.

""Hiya Claire!"

"Uh, hi." The boy was such a neanderthal.

Rose turned to her cousin, her eyes round as saucers. I think that's her 'innocent' look. I have so much to teach her. "I just remembered, I have to, uh, go! Um, see you guys later!" She sped off.

"_Albus_, I've been meaning to talk to you for ages..." 'Claire' said, fluttering her eyelashes like a crazed spider. 'She' put one hand on his arm, leaning in. God, this boy would never win an Oscar.

"Oh, um, really?" Albus seemed very interested in the floor. You could have fried an egg on his forehead. This was the best entertainment I'd had in forever.

'Claire' giggled. That boy should be ashamed of himself. "Why yes, silly, I never see you around and, well, I was thinking we should spend some more _time_ together..." This was getting painful.

Albus didn't look up. "Um, yeah, I'm pretty busy at the moment...quidditch, you know..."

"But you don't play quidditch!"

"Don't I? Oh no, I don't. Um, yeah, I've been...studying it..."

"We could always study _together_..." Could he stick those boobs any further out? Albus was staring at his own feet with his chin tucked into his chest to avoid seeing them.

"Uh, yeah, I guess..." he glanced up. "Claire, are you ok? Is your...is your hair _shrinking_?"

"What?" squeaked 'Claire'. "My...my _hair_...um, I... I have to go!" She sprinted down the corridor and dived into a classroom, her ponytail receding into her head as she went. Albus just looked shellshocked, then shook his head and walked back the way he came.

I sidled out of the frame and into a portrait of a stately looking wizard inside the room. "He's gone, guys."

They looked up at me – Rose clutching her sides, Claire laughing her head off and Scorp, sitting down in a skirt and robe with a brick red face.

"And you didn't think to take the potion just before you came out?" I elbowed the old guy off his chair and sat down. "_That_ is why you're not in Ravenclaw. You guys are _terrible_ actors, by the way. I mean really, _really_ bad."

He groaned. "Do you think he noticed?"

"That you were changing into a boy before his eyes? Dunno. Probably not, he was looking anywhere except at you. No offence," I added to Claire.

"So...what does that mean?" Scorp asked quietly.

"No idea!" I said cheerfully. "Either that he had no interest in boobies, or he's very interested in boobies and so can't look at them directly."

"Wait...so you're saying that we're no better off now than we were before?"

"Of course we are! That was _hilarious_!"

Scorp glared at his best friend. Ex-best friend.

"Oh, honey." I wiped my eyes. "He's gay as a...er...a very gay thing. Haven't you noticed how he acts around you?"

"...what?"

"He fancies the pants off you, darling." It was obvious when you looked closely enough. He'd look up when Scorpius entered a room, he'd smile just from seeing him, his whole face lit up when Scorpius spoke to him... it would have been pathetic if it wasn't so damn adorable.

Scorp looked bewildered. "He...he does?"

Rose rolled her eyes. "Duh. Jeez, you have the worst gaydar ever. I've known it for _months_."

Claire nodded. "Me too."

"You did? You hardly know either of us!"

"The whole year knows."

"The whole...year..." Scorp looked like he was about to faint. "Everyone knew, and you let me go out and embarrass myself like that..."

"Scorpius," said Rose very solemnly. "We're your _friends_. Of course we did!"

There was silence.

"So!" I called happily. "What do we do next, guv?"

In the end, what we did next was console a half-angry, half-mortally-embarrassed Scorpius for nearly an hour, promise to face the wall while he changed back into men's clothes (so I peeked, so what?), and make our way back to the common room one by one. Well, I just charged straight back, but no one notices a portrait.

We had another planning session the next day. Rose and Claire, who thought the whole thing was hilarious and wanted to help plot, were sprawled across Albus's bed, facing Scorp on his own.

"So... how do I get him to go out with me?"

There was silence.

"Well...I usually just kiss them, then all the 'we're-going-out' stuff comes after." Claire volunteered.

Scorp groaned. "Yeah, but I can't just grab a guy who's in the closet and kiss him! You're sure he's gay, right?"

"Yes, we're sure. We're as sure as we were the other thirteen times you asked."

"So how do I do it?"

There's not really an answer to that, is there? The intricacies of teen mating ritual usually involve 3 months of endless-does-he/she-like-me-discussions-with-tired-friends, awkward-conversation-every-time-we-meet and ridiculous-flirting-which-both-refuse-to-admit-to. At about 23 everyone suddenly becomes much more rational.

It looked like Scorp would have torn his own hair out by then.

"Well, you guys are friends, right?" I suggested. "You could always just...talk to him?"

I got three withering looks for my trouble.

"Fine, don't take my advice."

"It's just him, you know, it's just he's...he's _Albus_..."

"Who's Albus?" said Albus, opening the door.

"Albus!" Scorp squeaked, and fell off the bed. This was better than TV.

"We...we didn't say _Albus_, we said a... a bus!" Rose gabbled.

"You were talking about...a bus?" Can you blame him for being a little bit suspicious?

"Yeah, the, er, the Knight Bus! We were talking about the, the Knight Bus," Claire trailed off.

"Claire, what are you doing here?" He'd gone bright red. Hee hee.

"I was just leaving! Um, bye guys." She shot out the door.

"Me too! See ya, Scorp!" Rose gave the most lavish, innuendo-ridden wink I've ever seen and followed Claire.

"Oh, hey, Al, I just have to...go..." Scorp nearly sprinted after the girls.

Albie looked around in bewilderment. The room had emptied in under thirty seconds. He sat down on the end of his bed, then noticed me, inspecting my fingernails and trying to look inconspicuous. Maybe the sunglasses were a step too far.

"Alright, I know something's going on. Talk."

Oh dear.

"Going on? What's going on? Nothing's going on, I don't think."

"Look, we can do this the easy way, or the hard way."

That made me snort. "What, are you from a cheesy '80s cop show now...what are you doing with that permanent marking ink?"

"Talk."

"Ok, just put the lid back on, nice and slowly, careful... so this is why you're in Slytherin."

"Yep. Now, what's going on with Scorpius? Why is he avoiding me? And why did Claire ambush me in a corridor, and then look strangely like she'd taken polyjuice potion?"

"Ah. You're smarter than I gave you credit for."

"Yeah, I generally am."

"Ok fine, Scorp was trying to find out if you...I mean if you are..."

"What?"

"...gay."

"Oh. Yeah, I am."

"Yeah, I know. Everyone does, but Scorp's plan was so funny we had to see how it would go wrong."

He even smiled a bit at that. "So why does he want to know if I'm gay."

"Oh, for pity's sake, boy. Do you pay no attention whatsoever?"

"Hey, I'm the one threatening you!"

"So?"

"Can't you act a bit more... threatened?"

I just looked at him. "No."

"Oh, ok. Anyway, what do you mean?"

"You are blind. Honestly. You should get a dog and a cane. You _must_ be able to see that!"

"What?"

"Oh. My. God. He _loves_ you, you stupid, blind, _crazy_ boy. He's been in love with you for_ever_, and he wants to take you to bed and ravage you and marry you and have your babies."

"Oh."

I gave him a Look. I'd been practising in my spare time. "Is that all you've got?"

"Oh. I, er, I guess I do too. Maybe without the marriage and babies bit just yet."

"I'm sure you can negotiate on that. I think the ravaging was the most important bit. Oh, don't go all shy on me, I know perfectly well you want exactly the same thing."

"But how do I tell him?"

"You don't. This is playing out _beautifully_, we'll let him embarrass himself a bit more first. Just act surprised at the appropriate time."

"Thanks, Grace."

"No problem, Albie."

He winced. "I thought you'd forgotten that."

"Never."

He shot me a quick smile and left after the others.

I was feeling fairly pleased with myself. My boys were going to meet at midnight at the ball, declare their undying love for one another, kiss passionately and live happily ever after in a castle. Maybe I've seen too many Disney films. Mind you, we're in a castle, and if there's no ball we at least have feasts, and if I remember rightly Halloween's just next week... I rubbed my hands together gleefully. Is this how the Godfather feels? All sort of fizzy and floaty and _powerful_.

Scorp crept back into the empty dormitory an hour later. "What did he say?"

Ah. I hadn't thought about this. "He said...that he thought someone had said Albus, but maybe they hadn't. But he did say you were all acting weird," I conceded.

"Oh shit. I'm going to fuck this up, aren't I?"

"Stop being such a dick!" I snapped. Well, that got his attention. "You can't give up yet, it's pathetic! Now, I have a plan. It's Halloween next week, right?"

"It's Halloween the day after tomorrow."

"It is? Even better! After the feast each house has a huge party, right? A party where everyone, after drinking strictly non-alcoholic drinks like, er, Firewhiskey, gets together in a dark room where no one would really notice if one boy just _happened_ to slip and accidentally kiss his best friend... do you follow?"

"...I think so..."

"So, you 'slip'..." The inverted commas were tangible. "...and if he 'slips' back, everything's fabulous, bla bla bla. If not, you plead clumsiness."

"But I don't want him to be drunk for our first kiss. It's not right."

"Well, _you'd better make sure he doesn't drink then_." His pale face was stricken. "Do you have a better plan?"

"..."

"What was that?"

"...no," he admitted quietly.

"Exactly. Now, I'm sure if we ask nicely, Rose will be more than happy to keep the rest of the dormitory occupied for at least a few hours. The rest of the house too, I'm sure. Unless you want to drug the butterbeer? No, I thought not."

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><p><strong>Please review! It makes me ridiculously happy <strong>


	3. An Impeccable Execution

**I've just been kidnapped by insane pissed Frenchmen and forced to drink champagne. I've had a very weird day.**

**This isn't as smutty as I thought it might be, but I think it warrants the M rating.**

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><p><span>An Impeccable Execution<span>

It was 9 o'clock and I was pacing. The group of middle aged witches whose frame I'd commandeered glared at me reproachfully from across the room. I was desperately trying to work out what could...what would... go wrong. The feast would be finished soon, and the common room would flood with teenagers, all in black robes, and somewhere in the melange I had to find my boys and make sure they didn't fuck this up. Green light filtered down from the lake overhead, but I was already green. In a very delicate, ladylike way, I threw up behind an overstuffed armchair. One of the witches shrieked and glared daggers at me.

I'm sure the ground literally began to shake after that. It started off as a rumble, then a herd of teenagers charged into the room. Someone fetched a record player from their dormitory and put on some god-awful crap. Yes, I'm a music snob. There was nothing to speak of until the late '50s and '60s, when suddenly the Beatles exploded onto the scene with Chuck Berry, The Kinks and The Who and changed the world for the better. Rock music deteriorated rapidly through the '70s and '80s and died a horrific death into the anti-christ, metal, in the '90s, dying the same painful, pre-millenium death as fashion and Mediterranean food. And then there was all this synthesized crap which doesn't even sound like music. Sounds more like a small child being tortured.

I'm getting distracted. As more and more freakishly similar-looking kids poured into the room, I ran around in mad circles, looking for a pale blonde or black head. Even red would do – I'd already told Rose what she had to do, and she was far too enthusiastic about it to be normal. The firewhisky had already been cracked open – typical – and there was a small group of serious boozers fermenting happily in a corner. Then I saw him...standing in the corner with a butterbeer, Scorp looked like he was about to be sick. I hurried over.

"What are you doing?" I hissed, trying not to move my lips.

"I'm reconnoitring. All spies do it. Are you ok? You look constipated."

"I'm trying to be subtle! A bit like you, apparently. If you're any more inconspicuous you'll fade into the wallpaper! Go get your guy!" I realised too late I sounded like a cheesy self-help book.

"I _can't_. If I mess this up he'll hate me forever!"

"For god's sake. _Stop being such a chicken._" His eyebrows were drawn up in a heartbreakingly pathetic expression. This was ridiculous. "Right, get a drink. Yes, I _know_ what you said, but there's never going to be a kiss if you don't have a drink to steady your nerves. Go on, grab a shot. That's it, down in one." I do love being a bad influence. It's so much fun. "Right, wait a couple of minutes, then go for it. Oi! You two!" I yelled at a couple of first years. "Put down that pumpkin juice and go get yourself a real drink! It's a frickin' _party_, go get yourselves plastered! Don't make me come after you!" They ran off. _So_ much fun. "Right, how are your nerves?"

"Slightly better for being soaked in alcohol, thanks."

"Any time, hun, any time."

Scorp took a step forwards and lurched to one side. Oops. Maybe that was slightly too large a shot. "Scorp! SCORPIUS!" He didn't turn around. Shit shit _shit_.

I sprinted round the wall, desperately searching for Albie. A _lot_ of people have dark hair. I could see a pale head weaving unsteadily through the crowd. I scanned the crowd again, brushing over brown hair and blonde hair, pale skin and tanned skin and dark skin and a hundred bloody faces that weren't the one I wanted. I passed an alcove, where Rob was squeezed against a pretty brunette, although he seemed to be enjoying it more than she was.

"...and then I said, 'That's my bludger!'" He roared with laughter, ruffling his hair with one hand to make the stupid curls stick up. Probably not the effect he was going for – he looked like he'd been dragged through a hedge.

I moved past him, scanning the crowd. Scorp was still moving, but I couldn't tell if he'd seen him or not. Shit! I ran around the perimeter of the room, past Rose who was occupying the rest of the sixth year dormitory. "Pssst!"

She glanced around. "What? I'm busy!"

"Have you seen Albie?"

"Uh, I think he went up to the dormitory a few minutes ago. Why?"

My heart finally agreed to leave my mouth and settle back into my chest. "No reason. Have...fun."

She rolled her eyes. "It's all for a good cause, right?"

She turned back and fluttered her eyelashes at Jake. That girl was a walking felony. "I'm _so_ sorry, carry on."

He blinked, looking freakishly like a goldfish. "Uh, yeah, and my mate said to him, right, he said..."

Poor girl. The things you do for your friends.

I gave Scorp another ten minutes of crashing around the room to sober him up before I went over again. "Ok, he's up in the dormitory. Rose has everything, or should I say every_one_, under control. Are you ready?"

He was green. "No."

"Stop being pathetic. Take a deep breath, that's it. You'll be _fine_. Try to look a bit less ill though, not your best look. You don't want Albie cursing you before he realises you're not a ghoul."

He shot me a Look. That was the Scorp I wanted to see. "And...go!"

With a parting glare, he left. I sat by myself, basking in a smug glow, for a minute, then I realised I was missing everything. I was doing _way_ too much running tonight.

I burst into the dormitory, panting. Luckily a portrait bursting into a room attracts about as much attention as nun in a brothel...oh no, that's the other analogy. Leaf in a forest, that's what I meant to say. What I mean is they didn't notice me. Albie was sitting on his bed, back propped up against the headboard.

"Hey, Scorp. Aren't you at the party?"

"Er, no. Al, I, um, I wanted to talk to you."

"Oh, okay. What's up?"

"Al, I..." This was really pathetic. Come on, man, spit it out! "...I was thinking, you know, I think lots..."

Really? Is this the best he can do? I'll still be here to see my third turn of the century at this rate.

"Are you ok, Scorp?"

"I...yeah, I'm just...yeah."

For _fuck's_ sake. It's not so hard to say. Albus, I think I love you, but more importantly I think you're sexy as fuck and I want to get down and dirty with you, asap. That's what, fifteen, twenty, twenty-six words. Twenty seven if you count 'you're' as two. Hardly a Shakespearean soliloquy, by anyone's standards.

"Scorp? You sure you're ok?"

"Yeah. Yes. Al, I wanted to say that..."

"Oh, shut up, you idiot." And then Albie – my little Albie – had grabbed him round the back of that spectacularly long neck and pulled him close, very, very close, so their lips were barely an inch apart and _ohmygod I think I just stopped breathing_.

"You were taking too long," Albus whispered, no, _breathed_ against Scorpius' mouth, and he leaned forward and _holyshit I'd forgotten to breathe again and I was so dizzy I fell off my chair,_ and by the time I looked up their lips were pressed together in a long, sweet kiss. I accidentally let out a breathless "aaaaaw!", and they stopped and looked at me. "Oh. Oops. Didn't mean to do that out loud. Um, don't mind me, keep going..." I trailed off.

Scorp just shook his head, grinning involuntarily, and reached up a long finger to stroke the other boys cheek. "I'm really glad you did that."

Albus leaned his face into Scorp's palm. This was way too cute! "Me too. You weren't getting to the point, so I just thought..."

"You thought right. How long have you known?"

"Not long, only since Grace told me."

Stiffly, Scorp turned to face me. "You. Did. What."

Crap. "He threatened me! There was nothing I could do!"

He turned back to Albie. "Hmm, seems you're more badass than I thought." His hand twisted ever so slightly into the dark hair. Oo-er.

Albie actually _smirked_. Shy little Albie! What was happening to the world?

"You have _no_ idea." And suddenly they were kissing again, quickly and forcefully and _woah_, was that a tongue I saw there? I thought the line was cheesy, but it looks like he's cute enough to pull it off. Wow, they were still going...did neither of them need air? They were going _strong_, and then Scorp's hands were up the back of Albie's shirt, digging into his tanned skin, and I really need to come up with a new name for him; _Albie_ is way too cute a word for someone who just put his hand between them and stroked, ever so gently, the bulge in Scorp's black trousers. Holy shit.

They broke apart for a second, panting like dogs. Except with less fur. And much sexier. "Are you sure?" Scorp asked breathlessly. Albus (I'd have to work on the name) just pulled him back in for a long, tonsil-tickling kiss. I guess that meant yes, because he was scrabbling with buttons on his shirt, then on Scorp's, then his again. I think he's normally fairly bright, but those buttons thwarted him for a while. He detached himself from Scorp to concentrate on them, and Scorp transferred his lips to his collarbone, licking and sucking and – did he just _bite_? Eventually the offending garments flew into a corner somewhere, and they were pressed together, pale skin against tanned. This was ridiculous. Fifteen minutes ago Scorp had been in the common room feeling sick, and now his lips were glued to Albus' and he was sucking on them like a bloody hoover, one hand clamping their bodies together and the other _wow they were moving fast _feeling up his arse.

Scorp was pretty skinny, but Albus was lightly muscled all over, which made him look kinda like a greek god, except deities didn't usually lick seductively at the ear of their, for want of a better word, lover. His mouth wandered back to the other boy's and I _think_ he caught his lip between his teeth, making Scorp growl. _Jesus this was hot._ Of the four hands in the mix, two, one pale, one tanned, were at the trousers, then inside, and then Scorp's eyes rolled back in his head and he let off a stream of expletives. Albus looked smug, but then the hand in his trousers wriggled _slightly_ and he was moaning and groaning and calling Scorp's name.

"Do the thing with the thumb!" I muttered, and then I realised what I'd said and hoped they hadn't heard. I guess at least one of them did, because suddenly Albus shouted and jerked and came, pushing his face towards Scorp's for a feverish kiss. Scorp followed him, "Albus!" falling from his lips. They lay there for a minute, arms and legs twisted together, matching damp spots on their trousers and matching goofy grins plastered on their faces.

Listen to me. I manage to stay unsentimental right up until the end, then I get to what, let's face it, is basically soft porn and I get all emotional. Don't worry, I'll restrain myself as much as I can. How am I going to keep my reputation as a bad girl if I start getting all choked up over two boys in love? Not that I actually have a reputation beyond a few of the more adventurous students; maybe that's why I love to just watch them be in love together, my two boys.

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><p><strong>Ok, I'm going to do a short epilogue, just because I can't bear to leave my boys just yet.<strong>


	4. Epilogue: A Faultless Ending

**This is my first Albus/Scorpius fic, but it won't be my last. I hope you've enjoyed it.**

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><p>Epilogue: A Faultless Ending<p>

They never told Rose exactly what happened that night, although she guessed just about everything and I supplied the rest. They didn't tell their families anything at all, so the famous Harry Potter was fairly surprised to walk in on his son half-nakedly grinding against another boy. Oh, a boy who happened to be the son of his lifelong enemy. It probably didn't help that neither boy noticed him enter, and he was too stupefied to speak, so they carried on groaning and writhing on the narrow bed in the little cottage in Godric's Hollow until Rose, standing behind Harry, cleared her throat loud enough to wake the dead. She told me everything afterwards: the stunned silence, the garbled explanations, the awkward week before they came back to school, and we laughed about it for hours until Albus and Scorp came in and Rose had to leave. They tried to send me away too, but really, did they think that was going to happen?

I watched their entire relationship evolve in that dormitory. They somehow bypassed the clumsy first kiss stage by, well, giving each other hand jobs about ten minutes after they got together. It's a good method, and one I'll advocate for ever more. It didn't take them long to progress to blowjobs (twenty eight minutes, to be exact), which I observed with the appraising eye of a teacher, especially that flicky thing with the tongue that I'd honed over the years, while Rose kept the other four Slytherin boys occupied well into the early hours. Not like that, you dirty bastard. Full sex took a grand total of eight days to come about, while they should have been in Herbology. Hey, I never said they took it slow!

Oh, and I decided on a name for Albus. I went back to the first thing I'd ever called him, back to Albie, because the tooth-aching sweetness of their relationship more than made up for the steamy sex they had several times a week. Several times a day, if they could. Rose, the perpetual third wheel, and me, the teacher, guide and general voyeur, made their lives as awkward as was humanly possible. After all, that's what friends do.

The End.

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><p><strong>I've also written Grace's story as a oneshot called 'A Short History of Hogwarts', you can find it on my profile.<strong>


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